Nasty psychotic messy days...silly peoople...missing London, Paris, their lives and cruelty and the big city lights and the ruthless indiferrence of others or an other, nor another...
tough crazy silly people, obssessed with money but with a certain bonneté, certain standards I would never expect from them...basic instincts, papers, silly problems...
ekeing out ian existence in the place lots of dream of visitting...
but what is this place compared to other cultures? Other places? Other impressions?
Self - sufficiency of M. is pathetic but relevant; despising the capitalism I got trapped into its biggest pride, into its biggest achievement,into its biggest blatant success...or failure...
How come? How come I am about to ruin my life and my projects by playing a role I would never play unless professionally? How come I am about to become Virginia Woolf in her worst years, albeit with no masterpieces on my shelf? How come I came across this people who obviously like me, use me ( we use one another, I guess) but definitely belong to the different world than me ?... How come those years of love, life, hatred, searching, disputing in Paris, making love in trains, walking around the same places with or without H. are about to become my past...?
And I still desperately live in them, with them, next to them, smelling the years, feeling the breath of theirs...I could make it work, I could let it be mine but I grieve and my grieve is like a little bit of sun in a cold water...like a self - pitying little prick...
that's sad...